He told me he hadn't either, and I believe him; he's a man of unimpeachable character. Perhaps the condom leaked or tore, or – I prefer to think this didn't happen, but who knows – perhaps the other guy pulled off the condom intentionally at one point and my ex didn't notice.
For a time he withdrew from the gay community entirely.
My husband Dirk and I have just one rule in our relationship: "Never bring home anything you don't want to share." It works on all sorts of levels. But about a month before he met me, he had hooked up with a guy who didn't disclose his status. In any case, he'd unknowingly taken a full load of HIV-positive spunk, and naturally had no reason to think he needed post-exposure prophylaxis.
For example, if Dirk meets someone he thinks is hot and wants to hook up with him, I'm always invited to join them... When we started dating a month later, we each got tested for a full range of STDs including HIV, and the results all came back negative.
The bottom line is that we're having sex with men other than just ourselves. We also had lots of sex, and despite the fact that we'd each recently tested negative for every STD known to man, we always used a condom: He'd lost his first boyfriend to AIDS and was adamant about being safe. Winter was approaching, and there was this big holiday fundraiser that I was really looking forward to taking him to. He pays thousands of dollars a year in medical expenses just to keep the infection at bay.
The day before the event I got a very strange voicemail from him. And the psychological challenges he faces due to AIDS phobia, including people who consider him "unclean," are enormous.
BETA put these questions to Zachary Barnett and Derek Brocklehurst, two gay men with different experiences of “undetectable.” Zachary is the founder and executive director of the Abzyme Research Foundation, an organization working toward an HIV vaccine, and has written candidly in the Advocate about his experiences disclosing his own HIV status and undetectable viral load.This applies, obviously, to someone who has already been diagnosed as HIV positive, and who has controlled replication of the virus. When I ask guys if they’re undetectable, it’s one question in a series. Today, so much of this is done electronically, on Grindr and Scruff and Jackd and all these applications and online connections, that communication can actually be easier than being face-to-face.What it means in a social context is that this person, in theory, is the least “infectious” they can be, biologically. Derek: For the most part, they appreciate that I’m bringing it up.That has increased my romantic and sexual connections greatly. I handle it by remembering the truth: This is a way to prevent HIV. I guess some people worry that Pr EP-sters are having more condomless sex and so might be more likely to have other STDs, but that's not borne out by any data.When getting attacked by others, I stick to scientific facts versus moralistic opinions. It's ironic, because a lot of people on Grindr want to bareback, but apparently only if you're on Pr EP.